Single women, if you understand the dynamics of the marriage market (2M) and you can tell a good story about yourself, you will sell. Get this straight. Dating may end in marriage, it may not. The 2M is largely a buyers’ market, not a sellers’ market.
A buyers’ market means that buyers control demand, pricing and trading volume. They dictate the pace and tempo of the market. They are less in number than the sellers who court their patronage with attractive packages so that they can sell. The buyers have choice and are at liberty to buy from any seller.
The opposite happens in a sellers’ market where too many buyers chase few sellers. The buyers really have no choice, while sellers control supply, pricing and influence demand.
So how does this scenario play out in the marriage market? It is a paradox. As a buyers’ market, it appears that women (sellers) searching for husbands, are more in number than available men (buyers) who want to marry.
If the market is so, it means sellers should chase buyers. It is not so in Nigeria. The opposite happens in this African country. At the beginning of relationships, the men chase the women. They show interest in women with money, gifts, promises and attention. Watch that attention and chasing. They may not be real and will not lead to marriage. Most men who do so simply want sex and they disappear.
Why should a buyer run after a seller in a buyers’ market, when it should be the other way round? It is a contradiction. Any woman who wants a husband should interpret this properly and understand the antics of men so as to avoid heartaches. She must know also that this market is dynamic. You have to study men. They seem to understand how the market operates better than women. Though it is a buyer’s market, women do not approach men in Nigeria to marry them. It is a taboo.
Men know this. They run after women giving the impression that it is a sellers market which women control. A relationship begins and the man is always available. As they move into the serious zone that calls for a marriage proposal the man begins to back off, turning the table against the woman and revert to the market’s true nature, a buyer’s market. You see how dynamic this market is?
At this stage the woman is in a dilemma. Her interest in the man is burning like a roaring flame in a relationship she believes is operating in a sellers market. It is not. She is at a loss on what to do. Family background, upbringing, culture, tradition and religion all gang up to restrain her from going after the man she loves. But the reality in the market makes it inevitable for her to do so. And if she does it the wrong way it may backfire. Delayed and disappointed she weeps, “Men are wicked, and you cannot trust them.” Many men are not wicked and you can trust them. It’s just that they understand the dynamics of the marriage market better than women who are more emotional and ruled by feelings.
Men face reality and this helps them to quickly notice the transitions of any relationship. The man changes gear as the market tempo changes leaving the woman asking, “What did I do wrong? I was there for him, loved him, gave him my heart and gave him everything, now he abandons me for another woman. Wha-a-at d-i-i-d I do wr-o-o-ng?”
You did not do anything wrong. Even if you did, it is not the end of life for you. Learn from your mistakes and forge ahead.
Who is a man?
Your experience is not peculiar. It has happened to thousands of women and will continue to happen, as long as dating continues and men are adventurers, restless and easily bored. They always want to conquer and explore. And that includes women. If you understand their psychology, you can manage them.
The mistake many of you make is to think that men are ruled by feelings. A man is different. He is ruled by logic. The woman’s romantic Arithmetic may be wrong. And when her man begins to notice that the facts of the relationship no longer add up he pulls out. That may be why you are still single.
At every stage of the relationship, the man is adding the facts but the woman is deep in love. At the inception of the relationship, he will declare, “I’m in love with you. He knows that is what you like to hear. At this early stage, he is either consumed by passion and lust, or overwhelmed by the drive to conquer you. That is why he raps you with plenty of lies to make his task easier, while he weaves a web of stories real or imaginary, all to sweep you into submission. Once the relationship begins, lover boy begins to track. I call it the 2+2 Tracking in love affairs.
When a man is tracking, he is monitoring the realities of the relationship. For him it is limited liability love. For the woman it is love unlimited. A man will hardly tell a woman, “I love you.” He will rather say, “I am in love with you.” Spot the difference. The woman plunges into the relationship headlong. Men hardly do so. They love with an exit that is always open for escape. You see what I mean?
The question then is who is a man? He is a person who does not love blindly; who always faces reality even in romance; who is logical and wants to control his relationships. He tracks his love affairs and when the elements no longer add up, he quits.
The 10 Romance-ments.
- Take this Tip Sheet about men. It will help you to manage your romantic relationships
- Men are full of ego, ruled by facts and figures. Women are ruled by emotions.
- Men think with their heads, women think with their hearts. Men think, women feel.
- Men are physical in their approach to love. They are attracted by what they see on a woman’s container (body). Women are tripped by the feelings men evoke in them.
- Men are adventurers. They want to achieve and taste variety. It massages their ego. They are never satisfied with one woman.
- Men are impatient and easily bored in love relationships.
- Men equate romance to quantities and figures which should add up. When it is no longer so they quit. For women, the answers vary depending on how they feel.
- A woman’s container attracts a man but her content keeps him.
- Men love quickly, women love slowly. A man’s love for a woman is ignited with the ease with which you light a gas cooker. His flame of love burns brightly immediately. This love can also quench easily. Women take time to love just like an electric hot plate heats up slowly. Once it burns, it is difficult to quench.
- Men are more interested in the who, what and why. “Just do it,” a male boss will tell you. How you do it is your business. Women are more interested in the how. Is anybody hurt?
- Men are attracted by physical traits; women are attracted by personality traits.
Now that you know who is a man, how he reasons, what turns him on, the challenge for you is to package and brand yourself accordingly. Many marketable women cannot sell because they think men feel the way they do. Men are different. You cannot predict a man’s love for you. While you want marriage, he may want only an affair. He is afraid of commitment but he is ready to pester you with gifts, declaring his love for you as big as an Iroko tree.
When you play hard to get he changes strategy. A steamy relationship begins. All he wants is to taste your container. Then he disappears or he remains in the affair but is flirting with other women. At a stage, you are heart broken. “Men are heartless,” you cry.
You learnt that men are heartless the hard way. Who told you men have hearts? They have ego. The man who left you is only being true to his nature. So do not plot revenge. Forgive him.
“No I cannot. After all I did for him. For five years, I gave him my all, my time, even turned away other men only for him to leave me and marry another woman.” Be careful! That is bitterness talking. It can rob you of happiness. I agree with you some men are mean, not all. They behave as if they have no feelings. It’s just that they are pushed by the drive to conquer women.
That is a man for you. The earlier you understand this, the better you can manage your relationships. Fear not. There are many gentlemen out there looking for wives. Find one and grab him.
Woman, get this clear! You are like a treasure island. The more your man knows he can discover benefits and solutions in you, the more he sticks to you. When there is nothing more to know or experience about you, he becomes bored and loses interest no matter what you have put into the relationship. That is when you begin to wonder what went wrong? Except the man is a gold digger, you cannot hold him with your material resources and physical beauty alone. And he is not moved by how much you have put it into the relationship. What can hold him is the solution he sees in you and if you constantly renew yourself.
The challenge for you is, “How can I unfold the treasure in me to make my man marry me?” We shall discuss this in due course.
Eric Okeke is a storyteller, editor, business writer, motivational speaker and author of the best selling book: I Want a Husband. He is one of Nigeria’s most experienced financial journalists. He has published several articles in local and foreign publications and in websites such as http://www.ezinearticles.com, www.ezinearticles.com and www.writingcareer.com. He is currently running Infomedia Company, a media consulting and information marketing company. Visit his blog at http://sallywantsahusband.blogspot.com