I’ll hang myself on your Christmas tree.”
~Ernest Hemingway, 88 Poems
After publishing yet another post on my blog, I decided to take a well-deserved break. I grabbed Slyvester and started to tickle his tummy.
Suddenly he stopped purring, his eyes widened with fear, and he shrieked, “I think I see a Tweety bird!”
I turned around saw a bird, as blue as the cloudless summer sky, grinning at us.
“Hello, I’m Tweety bird.”
Seeing my look of dumb incomprehension, it explained, “From Twitter.com.”
Slyvester cowered behind me and asked tremulously, “And to what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?”
The bird looked unblinkingly at us and then squeaked, “I’ve come to ask you three questions. You need not ponder before you answer the first two because you’ll neither be rewarded if you are right nor punished if you are wrong.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Those are my favourite kind of questions.
Fire away, sweet Tweety.”
“What is the sound of one hand clapping?”
I’d heard this one before, so I didn’t waste any time in my reply, “I dunno.”
Tweety smirked and said, “Your blog without Twitter.”
Wise guy. I counted ten slow breaths to calm myself down.
The insufferable bird continued, “If you say something on your blog and no one reads it, will it make a sound?”
“Pass.” I said coldly.
I found it hard to tolerate this bird’s snarky comments about my blog. Slyvester, my knavish cat, was making loud choking noises, as if he had a fishbone stuck in his throat.
Tweety said gently, “Please don’t resent the first two questions. They are like a bitter medicinal potion. But the third question is like nectar – not only is it sweet but it will also heal the illness afflicting your blog.”
“Then ask your third question and leave us in peace.” I was mollified though not fully.
Tweety cocked its head to the right and asked coyly, “Will you let me be your blog’s Valentine?”
I shook my head sorrowfully, “I’m awfully sorry but I just don’t have the time to tweet or twitter.”
Tweety was unfazed, “Can you spare about five minutes today?”
“Well, yes,” I said grudgingly, and Slyvester stopped caterwauling.
“That’s all you need to start! And surely, you must have heard that the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. All you need to do is register here to gain entry to Ali Baba’s cave of treasures. It’s free, today and forever.”
“Yes, that’s all very well but then what?”
“Well, it’s completely up to you. If you wish, you can log in and tweet, favorite, or retweet for a few minutes a day. Or once a week. From my side, there are no strings, no expectations, and no attachments.”
“Hmm. One last question. What’s the benefit if I use Twitter for just a few minutes a day?
Tweety rubbed its tiny wings together, produced a golden lamp and handed over to me. “Rub this magic lamp and it will help you to find the solution to every problem.”
I grabbed the lamp with both hands.
Tweety flapped its wings impatiently and asked, “For the last time, will you let me be your blog’s Valentine?”
“Heck, yes,” I said, with a new-found confidence.
Tweety disappeared with a beatific smile and Slyvester started purring again.
When I rubbed the lamp, it instantly turned into a signboard called…
The Ultimate Twitter Guide to Crush Your Competition
How You Can Use Twitter to Land More Freelance Gigs
Use This Twitter Technique to Make Big Things Happen
How to Boost Your Blog Traffic With a Twitter Contest
Twitter Marketing with Stephanie Montreuil (podcast)
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!
(Do you use Twitter? How does it help you to promote your writing? Let us know in the comments below.)
(12 February 2014)
Rohi Shetty is a freelance writer who riffs about the importance of humor, mindful mojo, and creative entrepreneurship at http://rohishetty.com. He is also a star student of Danny Iny’s Audience Business Masterclass. You can connect with him on Twitter at @rohishetty.